Blast from the Past

November 28, 2012

Hello, people of the internet! It’s been a while, but I’m here for your blog-viewing pleasure once again. Crazy weather out there, amiright? Fortunately, I’ve been spared any bad damage from both the hurricane and the Nor’easter (I live on the East Coast). Unfortunately, I can’t use either of those as an excuse for why I haven’t been writing as much as I should have been. Ok, wait, I can come up with an excuse, here it goes: I wanted to write a lot this past month, but because of the storms I got super lethargic and decided to just be immobile in my bed, eating leftover Halloween candy and watching marathons of 30 Rock and Law & Order: SVU on Netflix. Ok, that’s not really an excuse, that’s just the God’s honest truth. But, I will say that I’ve learned something from this: leftover Twizzlers really aren’t all that bad. Sure, they’re stale and tougher to eat, but they still taste pretty damn good.
Anyway, I hope everyone out there, especially on the East Coast, has been staying safe, warm, and dry. And if you are, I hope that you’re doing everything within your means to help out with those who aren’t as lucky. It’s tough out there for a lot of people, but if you have even any inkling of ability to help in any capacity, it doesn’t hurt. We’re all here for each other, and as long as we remember that, we can make it easier to weather any storm–figuratively and literally.
Ok, so I got a little mushy there, but the message still rings true. And now to the point of this entry: this year I’ve finally decided to participate in NaNoWriMo. (So the procrastinating on writing has hit me even harder than usual–woowee!) But it’s a really interesting venture and I hope to at very least make some progress in my work. I usually stick to writing short stories and non-fiction, so this is a challenge for me. I’ve decided to amp up the challenge aspect a bit even more by writing a YA novel. I have a ton of ideas, it’s just now down to the point of getting them all out eloquently and really visualizing how I imagine it all playing out. I’ve been reading through on all of the amazingly helpful and handy info and hints on the NaNoWriMo website and a few have really helped me flesh out my main character and her life.
Basically, it’s through the eyes/mind of a socially awkward high school Freshman, who has difficulty making friends. One of the writing exercises I came across was to have a journal in which you write in the voice of your character. I decided that was perfect, and resurrected my old Xanga for just that purpose. Then I realized, while I’m there, maybe I should go back years and years ago and take a look at what I was writing when I was a socially awkward 15-16 year old, to get an even firmer grasp on how my character views the world.
Oh, boy, did I find a treasure chest of awkward embarrassing gold. Allow me, in one of possibly many posts, to introduce you to 15 year old, high school sophomore Jamie. I briefly have alluded to her in a prior post, but in this you’ll get to the heart of the seedy world that was my online journal and all of the deep, dark, personal secrets kept there for random online people to see.
So, without further ado……
saturday, august 16, 2003
anywho, thursday night was the big blackout–that wasn’t fun. but yesterday was pretty cool. first, the power came back on at our house at 7:45 am–so i was extremely happy lol. then i went 2 cc w/ my mommy. we went at 11:30 and there was like, no one there lol. and i bought the movie “the ref” which made me very happy. i’m sorry but i think denis leary is sexy . there’s something about the whole attitude/leather jacket thing that attracts me to him lol. plus he’s really funny.anywho, i’ll write more later. now i hafta tape denis leary’s roast, and go in the other room and try 2 see some of the beginning of snl, since it’s the one w/ brittany murphey and adam sandler sings the chanukah song part 3 in the beginning–ahh adam sandler, my love . oh well even if i can’t see it i taped it the last time it was on anyway lol. well, that’s all for now–buh bye.
What 15 year old girl in the year 2003 DIDN’T have crushes on either Denis Leary or Adam Sandler? Oh, all the 15 year old girls, you say? Oh. Anywho…. Oh, I should also mention that “cc” = “Cross County,” a local outdoor mall. At this same exact time countless other teenagers, most of which were my peers and the like, were at the same mall–except hanging out behind the movie theater drinking, smoking weed and doing ecstasy  I took pleasure in going out with my “mommy” to Sam Goody. I felt bad ass roaming the aisles, looking for  the new Las Ketchup CD. Then I’d go over to Suncoast and stare at the VHS section for what seemed like hours, before finally ending up in the YA section of Waldenbooks. How I miss those rebellious years.
friday, august 22, 2003ehh…today was pretty boring. i slept like, almost the whole day lol. oooh but i asked larry to be my fake fiance!!! we’re gonna get married in vegas in one of those elvis chapels on april 5th!! lol and katie’s gonna be my maid of honor. i always wanted to pretend i had a fiance lol. i’m such a dork. ttyl. ~jamie
Larry & I stopped talking not long after this took place. Not for any reason other than we weren’t actually friends to begin with. He was the friend of my friend’s boyfriend at the time. They also broke up not long after this, putting the nail in our fake-engagement coffin. I think I was supposed to be “set up” with this Larry fellow, but I didn’t actually know much about him or what he looked like, and I never really left my house outside on my own anyway.  I’ve seen him a few times working in the grooming station at PetSmart. He has no clue who I am, which is probably for the best so he can judge me just as a stranger staring through the glass pane at all of the cute puppies who are not mine since I don’t even have a pet, as opposed to judging me as the girl who lost all of her faculties after her fake fiance stopped talking to her (I think there’s a series of ABC Family movies on that topic.)
tuesday, august 19, 2003omg today i bought the ice age dvd…dude i thought that movie was gonna be really funny…it made me cry!!! the baby’s mom and the mammoth’s family, and diego , dude that was not cool!! i was sitting there bawling. i hate crying during movies lol. and i bought the dvd to see the behind the scenes stuff, so i could see denis leary–and they only showed him for like 1 minute!!!!! loland i looked all over sam goody again for the comedy section, and they definitley got rid of it. where the comedy cds were is all techno crap now. techno????? who the hell buys techno cds??? lol. anyway i hope fye still has their comedy section. even though it’s kinda expensive there i don’t care lol.what’s up with that ataris song? “boys of summer” or whatever. am i the only person who doesn’t like it?? lol they play it everywhere and it really annoys me. oooh i wanna try to make a cool neopets guild layout. hehe neopets…i’m such a dork lol. well, that’s all for now. i’m out.ok i just re-read this and i really have to stop saying “dude” before i annoy myself lol.~jamie

I still don’t like that Ataris cover. And I still say “dude” too much.

friday, august 29, 2003 
i’ve got bangs again! well sort of, they’re kinda half bangs, lol. anyway, when they’re not fixed up and stuff they get kinda weird but that’s ok b/c i can just clip them back. yah. well…that’s my big update for today lol. now i’m going to eat my hot apple pie, listen to the radio, and wait for someone to come on lol. oooh yay the colin quinn forum is back up–woop woop!!! ttyl  ~jamie

“yay the Colin Quinn forum is back up.” Also, I still have messed up bangs. Except now they’re messed up cuz I clumsily took a kitchen scissor to them on Halloween. Which sounds more like something that should have happened then, not now.

saturday, august 30, 2003
I got “two if by sea” on dvd today!!! woop woop!! lol despite what people have said, i liked it. i dunno i’mweird. i think denis looked soo hot in it lol. and sandra bullock is my favorite actress. oooh speaking of him, i mentioned about his celebrity hat trick event thing to my grandma…and she was like, seriously considering ways for me to go. i love my grammy!! but i’ll probably end up not going though . but if i did that would be so freakin cool.yah i didn’t see the whole vmas yet. but i saw the ending twice, which is ok since that was when sandler was on (hysterical) and the metallica performance when they played all the classic mtv songs. that was really cool. that whole britney/madonna/christina thing was soooo nasty. i didn’t even see it but the pictures alone are just….ugh. and she’s like, old enough to be their mom. sick.but it’s not even “shocking” anymore. they’re just doing anything to get attention. they’ve gone so over the line, what’s left? the only way what britney and christina do could be considered “shocking” is if they did just the opposite. and actually stayed fully clothed through a whole performance. or be really shocking and like, i dunno, have a duet and wear amish type clothes and sing air supply or something.now that would be good quality entertainment. i’d watch that lol.or the most shocking thing of all: stay fully clothed and actually show talent. that would be very jaw-dropping.well, that’s all for now. ttyl~jamie.
I can’t believe there was ever a time in my life where I said that something Metallica did was “cool,” but here it is–and in writing, nonetheless. Then again, this was from the same girl who searched tirelessly for one of the worst movies ever made, and then actually “enjoyed” it. Also my little cultural rant at the end is pretty intense. Kind of wrong on a lot of levels, but you still have to love the veracity of it! (I was very passionate about keeping things child-friendly. I once told a classmate that he must not love Jesus if he likes Marilyn Manson. At the same time I was also actively participating on the Cringe Humor forums. I was a girl of complex standards and ideologies, something I still pride myself on to this day.
time jump!
saturday, february 14, 2004

lets see, nuthin too interesting has been happening today. umm i attempted to make a valentine cake for my family. that failed miserably. it was fine until i had to put the eggs in. i put one egg in, and everything was fine. then when i tried to crack open the other egg, it wasn’t like, opening lol. then it cracked open a little bit, and it like oozed out (from the top i might add) all black and blue and bubbly. i almost vomited it was so nasty. and the smell was soooo horrible. luckily, it didn’t get in the batter, however some of it may have dripped in. the batter didn’t smell that good, so i wasn’t sure if any of that satanic egg got in, or the batter itself was just bad. anywho, my grandpa flushed the batter down the toilet and threw the garbage with the evil egg in it in the incinerator,so no one got any cake, obviously lol, and all of my mixing went to waste. oh well, maybe some other time. it was gonna have pink icing and i had that stuff where you can write stuff and make designs too . whatever maybe i’ll make it tomorrow, as long as i buy eggs that aren’t spawns of hell and batter that’s not possibly rotten. ooh, and on another note: i have no school next week!!!!! yayness!!!!!!!!! k, that’s it for now. buh bye. jamie

This is what happens when you’re 16 and you  have no Valentines nor any prospect of a Valentine. You make cakes for your family that are really just for yourself, then end up sacrificing a tiny baby chicken in the process. Oh, I remember this event clearly, and that’s something I didn’t include in the entry: when I initially saw that blue bubbly stuff, I immediately thought it was a baby bird’s brains and freaked out as well as almost started crying. I guess I didn’t want anyone who read my Xanga (two of my friends) to think I was that uncool. This was when I started transitioning into being a bit more witty and funny in my journal, but I’ll spare you those entries. Mainly so you don’t see how much more interesting I was then than I am now.
But basically, I could go back and comment on my old journal entries forever. So, I’m probably not going to base my character off myself entirely (are teenage girls into Colin Quinn? Do you think they’d relate?) but at least I know where I’m going with my character now. And no, she won’t be saying “dude” all that much…

Edit: Ok, so I had the idea brewing for this post for a while now, if you couldn’t tell. I started writing it about 3 or 4 weeks ago, but a couple of events stopped me from writing altogether for a short while. I recently had some self-reflection kinda thing going on and reading through all of this made me aware of some things about myself.

Despite all the awkwardness, childishness, silliness, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I remember at the time wishing I were “edgier” had more guys around and did cooler stuff. I remember being 16 and reading other girls’  livejournals, deadjournals, and xangas and just envying how much more interesting their lives were. Drugs, sex, alcohol, parties, mischief… it all intrigued me though I knew I myself would never be that girl. I’d lament then, and again later, at how little life experiences I had and then eventually wonder–how could I possibly be a writer while I never myself tried anything that most “writers” had tried and experienced? It took a while before I realized that I’d be fine doing what I’d been doing all along, writing a mix of what I know as well as what I’ve learned and picked up from others. Remembering every story told to me, every journal surreptitiously read, every AIM away message, every overheard school locker conversation. I keep all of that in mind, and keep my in-brain knowledge base forever expanding with every new person I meet and story I read.

I’m glad I didn’t have a lot of those experiences because if I did… I don’t know where I’d be right now. I’ m by no means trying to paint myself as a perfect person here, and more so than that I’m not trying to make villains out of anyone based on the choices they’ve made. But I am happy with the choices I have made, even if I thought I’d never say that. When you look around you and realize that you’re in the middle of a waste(d)land, with so few people boasting any sort of promising futures because of decisions they made in high school, it hurts. To see people who you knew could have been great if maybe they just never gave up the fight. And, the worst, people whose past choices and actions have contributed in taking their lives from them years down the line, when they were just starting to figure things out.

This isn’t an anti-drugs PSA. Nor an anti-alcohol PSA. Hell, it’s not even an anti-bad decisions PSA. Screw it, we all make ’em. It’s not a PSA for anything–I’m no good at telling others what to do. But I do believe that there’s merit in revisiting the past from time to time, even if it’s only to mock it. Retracing your steps and seeing what led you to where you are today; whether it’s for a do-over, or to be grateful.  And there’s nothing wrong with taking in the experiences of all those around you. When their stories are ended, someone’s gotta be there to put all the pages together.

Sometimes the people who made the hairiest choices and decisions will create the most beautiful words and images ever known. Sometimes it’s that girl who sat at her computer, trolling comedy message boards and eating one too many McDonald’s Hot Apple Pies (that’s a story for another time). Who knows? But if there’s a story you want to tell, yours or someone else’s, don’t be afraid to go for it; sometimes it’s all we have.

And if anyone else’s looking for good material to write about an awkward, goofy teenage girl, I’m more than willing to share embarrassing journal entries from yesteryear at any given time. Maybe I can even dig up some pictures to accompany them…

PS: If you are participating in NaNoWriMo–friend me! I know there’s only like, 3 days left in the month but there’s always enough time for friendship! Also, with that last tiny bit of rainbowponymush you’re completely allowed to strangle me 🙂

Summer Lovin’

June 18, 2012

Thursday, June 7, 2012. While at my desk at work I look out the window separating me and the world, and see the signs of summer propping up all around me. Actually, it’s pretty awful looking outside right now and kind of chilly, so disregard that. It is June, though, so it’s kind of summer, almost. Well, it will be officially summer in just a few weeks so I suppose it’s…summer’s eve?

Hey, everyone! Sorry for the delayed absence. I would have posted more but I was totally avoiding writing anything on this blog altogether! Hope you didn’t miss me too much, but I also definitely hope you did because I’m back! And it’s almost officially summer which makes me think of summers past. This season seems to bring with it nostalgia for youthful experiences and teenage dreams. Past loves, friendships, adventures, thoughts, plans, hopes, ideas…all that good shit. I figured it was about the right time for me to buckle down and write about my life and all that the summers of my adolescent and teenagers years brought to me. Here goes nothing…


It’s June, and it’s the last day of 8th grade and the beginning of the last summer of elementary school.  Every one is gathering around and taking pictures and shedding tears. High school is only a few months away, and everyone is ready to close this chapter of their lives. Discussions of summer trips and high school plans surround me. Being in a Catholic school, this means that the first year of high school will separate us all. For the most part. Kind of. Actually, the girls that are crying the most are all going off to the same two schools, while I and my rag-tag group of pals are heading to completely different institutions. Before summer’s over, however, I have a few plans that I’m certain to see through: Tell the boy I have a crush on that I like him, and actually make some male friends. If Sarah Dessen’s books (my usual pool-side reading at this time) have led me to believe anything, it’s during these years that I’ll befriend either the sweet-but-shy guy next door or the mysterious rebel from a rough upbringing with a soft side under his hard exterior. And things will be unsure and rocky but first, but then we’ll realize we’re exactly what each other needs and fall in love. It has to happen. It happens to every 14-year-old girl.

I sat in front of my computer that fateful June night. Alternating between checking out the Shane West fan forum and Neopets, I tried my best to muster up courage. I sat there, weighing all my options. What if he says no? What if he says yes? What if we fall in love over the summer, then have to go our separate ways as we both journey on to different high schools, even though I’ll be attending an all-girls school and he’ll be attending an all-boys school and we’ll still be living and hanging out in the same places? Will we be able to handle that pressure? 

Ok. I can do this.  I thought to myself. Then, with shaky hands, I typed out those fateful words in AIM. “Could you tell Brian* that I really like him?” I sent to my friend Alicia*. We had a system in place. Plenty of times prior I had online-befriended different guys she liked and Instant Messaged them asking what their situations were, and if they were available, setting the stage for her to ask them out. Then when she was denied, I’d “accidentally” IM them saying that she could do better, and that they weren’t worthy of her time, using carefully worded statements that she would tell me to say. Now it was time to pay the piper and she was going to do me the solid of asking Brian out for me. It was a foolproof plan that guaranteed success.

I mean she’s nice and funny and all, but I don’t like her like that. D’oh. Now it’s time to do damage control. It’s okay, I can handle this. I’ve seen it a million times before in movies. I get the courage to reveal myself from behind the curtain and IM him. Hey. I know you don’t like me like that and it’s ok. I still think you’re really cool and I hope this doesn’t change anything between us. Maybe we can still be friends?



Good enough for me. Every further encounter with Brian will be awkward and we’ll never actually speak again (nor were we the best of friends prior to my proposition) but there’s still a summer yet to come, and I’m sure to at least meet a cute lifeguard or something…


It’s the first summer of my high school career.  In between morning fights with my mother over getting up early enough to get to the local pool before the crowds and actually being at the overcrowded local pool, sweating in the sun, freezing in the water, and getting inevitably pissed at anyone who steps on my blanket or bumps into my chair, I actually found some time to hang out with my new high school friends! Well, we hung out once. But it was a blast! I and my two new besties went to the movies to see, the eagerly-anticipated by us, new Adam Sandler flick (my tastes circa this time period were questionable). Also, during this time, I discover that I have an in-explainable crush on Adam Sandler. After the movie we decided to take fun pictures in the photo-to-keychain booth. It was a blast! I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants. I was wearing light jeans and had to tie my over-sized monkey-laden hoodie around my waist. I think I spotted the aforementioned Brian. I think that coupled with my awesome chatting him up skills is why I still get weird looks from him when I occasionally run into him in a drunk trip to the food cart outside the local bar.

I spend the rest of my solitary summer reading more Sarah Dessen novels at the overcrowded pool, eying the cute, young lifeguard and imagining him in the roles as the fun male friend while I’m the not-so-sure of herself cute heroine who will eventually be wooed by him. It’s not until my mother more or less places a razor in my hand that I realize maybe there are some steps I still need to take to catch the eye of any potential summer love.


I discover a love for stand up comedy and Xanga. Some of my fondest memories of this time are posting humorous responses to silly survey questions while listening to No Cure for Cancer. I also discover that I have an in-explainable crush on Denis Leary. Watching Rescue Me with my mother and grandmother will prove to be some of the more awkward experiences of my life. My day times are spent between reading at the pool, still eying the lifeguard, and trying to figure out successfully shave those random patches near my ankles. (A feat I’ll still be unable to master some eight years later.)


My time is spent often at the nearby bowling alley and youth centers watching young, mostly awful punk bands play and lusting after lead singers who will never notice me. I swoon over them in my Xanga entries, respond only with their initials or lyrics when asked in surveys who it is I like, scour their band MySpaces for more info on my mysterious rocker guy loves. I also discover during this time that I have an in-explainable and highly regrettable crush on Dane Cook. I’ll listen to his CD while at the pool, realizing that this new batch of lifeguards aren’t quite punk rock enough for my liking.


First kiss, first boyfriend, first break up, prom, graduation, vacations with friends–who really remembers any of that stuff, anyway?  Also, I upgraded to LiveJournal.


Ah, summer. Who doesn’t love it? And remember, now matter what age you are, you can still enjoy this warm season of love and adventure. Live it up to the fullest extent. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some survey questions to answer on Tumblr…

*Names have been changed to protect  the identities of the people who will never read this blog.